Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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