My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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