So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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