I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
