my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
