A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
