thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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