This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
im holly from the hills drunk
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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