You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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