I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
