The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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