I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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