I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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