I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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