Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
