was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
you had me at cake vodka
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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