you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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