four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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