Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
