apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Randomize
