Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
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