Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
