Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
