Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
