If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
