Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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