True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
