Pregnant stripper...not hot.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
