Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
