Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize