I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
