Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
