genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
