it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
