if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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