also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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