she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
