That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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