He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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