Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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