If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
