half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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