i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
