My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
