I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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