The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
