You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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