he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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