I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
