I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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