I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
