The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
