I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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