I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
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