I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
