Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
